The Road to Recovery

So, my antidepressant gets kicked up tomorrow. I have noticed it makes me seriously panicky, and it has destroyed my appetite. I feel as though I have to remind myself to eat.

Tomorrow I am also going to start weaning off of my antipsychotic, and to be honest I am super scared. It has been a crutch for over two months now and I am afraid of relapsing into my psychosis again once I am done with it.

But, as much as I am afraid, I am excited. If they think I am ready to start minimizing my medicines, that's a good thing. It means I am showing signs of recovery, and that my mind is mending itself. As one of my psychiatrists put it, psychosis is like a broken arm. First you put a cast on to stablize it, then you slowly move down to a brace, then eventually it is healed enough to be on its own.

I am confident in my doctors that this is the right decision. I am still fighting daily awful anxiety and depressive thoughts, but I am now getting breakthroughs of light and hope each day as well. So that in itself is recovery.

Seeing the Light

The power of prayer. It is an amazing thing. I truly believe that prayer and medication was what got me through this.

Today is the first day I am seeing the light.

Exactly three months ago today, my psychosis started. Exactly three months ago today, I descended into my own personal hell. My heart broke, my mind betrayed me, and my soul seemed to be shattered. I was someone else.

Today, I feel hopeful. I feel happy. I feel like I am coming through to the other side. This day is the first day that I have had no psychotic or depressive symptoms whatsoever. I found myself smiling at my newborn, and feeling pure joy. I have not felt that since he was born. I played with my oldest, genuinely enjoying it. God is good.

God is good, all the time!

I thank anyone and everyone thinking of me and praying for me throughout this hard time. I believe in miracles, and this was one.

Praise be to God.

Why Do Things Happen to Me?

There is one question I have been avoiding throughout this whole Postpartum Psychosis deal.

"why?"

I mean, you shouldn't question God's motives, right? Everything happens for a reason, right?

I feel like everything is happening at once right now. Illness, job losses, a newborn baby, it is all coming together and it just isn't making sense to me at the moment. Even when things are good, do they really make sense? Or is it because they are good, it doesn't matter if it makes sense? Why don't we ever search for meaning in the good parts of life?

God gives us struggles to bring us closer to Him. I truly believe that. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me after this hard time. It is hard to keep praising Him, but what else do I have to do? I won't curse Him, that will get be nowhere.

Just like Job, you shouldn't curse or turn from God when things get bad. You need to let Him take control instead and just let Him do His work. Weep, of course, because emotion is normal, but don't get angry with your Maker. That is what I have to keep reminding myself, and boy is it hard.

That's why I have my daily devotionals; A Guidepost First Year of Motherhood, and Jesus Calling. They have both helped me throughout, and I strongly encourage getting a daily devotional book, even if things are going great. It just might help pull you out when your life gets turned upside down.

Another thing that has helped me is to keep a "I'm Grateful" journal. Every morning I have to name five things I am happy to have in my life, and even though somedays are hard, I try to think of even the smallest thing, like my toothbrush, or a window to look out of in my bedroom.

Just some thoughts for ya'll if you are also going through the mud right now. Just let God carry you, it's going to be okay.

Recovery and ECT

Requiem for a Dream,

One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, White Heat, all of these movies have scenes of someone being treated with ECT. These movies have highly demonized the procedure.

Why am I bringing this up? Because my psychiatrist highly recommended it for me. She said my depression and mania are swinging rapidly, and medication is not helping me fast enough. ECT stands for "electroconvulsive therapy." The psychiatrist puts two electrodes on your head, one on the right side of your head, and one on top. They give you a shock for about 5-10 seconds, and create a grand mal seizure. Thankfully, they give you a muscle relaxant and your body is not damaged by the seizure. You are also sedated the whole time. So, all in all, it isn't too bad of a wrap.

Risks: memory loss.

I have plenty of things I would not mind forgetting, most things date back before 2010. I mean, who doesn't want to forget their awkward middle school days? I know I do.

I am really nervous about the procedure. Not the shock, but the going under part. I have only been sedated once, and that was for my wisdom teeth. I don't remember a thing, but I still hate the idea of losing control and being at the mercy of doctors, even if they know what they are doing.

Apparently, ECT is a very common treatment for morbid depression, mania, and psychosis. Which I have all three, haha! So, hopefully it is as miraculous as it seems. More than likely I will undergo up to six treatments, two of which will be inpatient.

I need prayers and thoughts during all this. I am extremely nervous, but I feel that God is leading me to that procedure for a reason. I have to get better for not only myself, but for my two little babies and my husband, who has been nothing but wonderful throughout this whole mess. I just want to feel like me again, happy me. There is a difference between manic happiness and natural happiness. If you have ever been manic, you know what I mean. It's miserable.

So, hopefully it goes well. I go to talk to the doctors about it tomorrow, and most likely will start Monday. Will update afterwards as fast as I can!