Surgery, it's what's for dinner!
So, if you have had a C-section, you know the worst of it, and the best of it. But mostly the worst, because that makes up about ninety percent of the whole experience. The only good thing, in my opinion is convenience. Set a date, wait for it, it comes, the end. Up to an hour later, you've got yourself a baby. Sounds nice, huh?
WRONG!
Now, I am usually a person of high, high pain tolerance. I will bear lots of pain, and be ridiculous about getting through it with no help. But C-sections leave me completely incapacitated. For some reason, the second time around has been much harder, in my opinion. Maybe it's the re-opening of scar tissue, a bigger baby, and having to take care of a toddler afterwards, but SOMETHING made this time extremely trying. And now that I am getting along on a whisper of Motrin, I feel like writing about how much C-sections suck, and why. So here are ten reasons why they just suck.
1. A whack shave job.
Have you noticed that when you get surgery, they shave the area beforehand? I'm guessing it's because they need to get the area nice and clean to cut through (barf) and can't risk an infection. Well, both times, it's like someone took a lawn mower to me down there, and they were wearing a blindfold. And had been drinking. So, it's either take it all off afterwards, or wait until it to go back to normal and just try again yourself a few weeks later. (Who are you kidding, no one is going to be doing anything down there for a few weeks afterwards anyway, so it doesn't really matter. But it still sucks.)
2. A catheter.
That thing you don't really notice until it has to come out, yeah. That bag of pee next to your leg. Coming out of you. That thought alone makes me want to vomit. And pass out. I seriously can't even describe how insanely grossed out I am by those things. And then you have to pee after it comes out, and nope, you can't leave the hospital until you do. That's tough to do! And then you have the risk of a urinary tract infection if they put it in wrong or if it moves around too much, and even if you don't get an infection, it hurts SO BAD to pee for a couple week afterwards. It's just uncomfortable.
3. Waiting for your legs to come back from the dead. No, make that your whole body.
It took me a good six hours to feel my body again. And I don't know if I'm alone on this, but I hate feeling numb. It freaks me out. So, when they put the spinal in (ouch!) and I had to fall back onto the operating table, when I felt everything start to feel fuzzy, it took every ounce of me to not pass out. I requested no narcotics as well, so I faced this completely coherent. So, once I got to the recovery room, baby in tow, I just prayed my legs would come back. I could move them somewhat, but had no feeling whatsoever. The epidural in my first delivery made me feel the same way as well, so I'm just weird about that. It sucked.
4. Standing up the first time.
Everyone who has ever had a C-section, or some kind of abdominal surgery, knows that this is by far one of the most painful things you will experience. First of all, it takes such strength to simply sit yourself up, move your legs to the side of the bed, scoot yourself to the edge, stand up, and straighten up. That act alone, the first time after surgery, will take you about ten minutes. And you will be gritting your teeth and begging for mercy during the whole thing. And then add shuffling to the bathroom, sitting down, then getting back up. I feel so bad for my first nurse in rotation, and my husband, because they both had to help me about a million times to go to the bathroom. I felt such relief once I could do it alone.
5. Not being able to drive for two weeks.
That is a cruel thing to do to a mom. Especially one with a toddler. When it gets dark early. You are shelled in your home for two weeks unless someone feels like they can drive you and a newborn and a toddler somewhere for you to just get some sanity. You look forward to that day to drive with such fervor. I know I am. I've got five days. I've even got a paper countdown chain.
6. Not being able to take a bath for three weeks.
If there is one thing you are in severe need of after a hospital stay and taking care of a newborn, it's a nice, long, hot bath. After the initial pain fades, the soreness sets in, and you feel like you got hit by a truck. You wake up and think "Oh my lord, end it now. END IT NOW!" as you reach for your painkillers and pray they just take you to a happy place, far, far away. How lovely would it be to be able to soak in a hot bath after that? I also am counting down to this. I am honestly more excited about taking a bath than being able to drive again.
7. Riding in a car.
The ride home from the hospital is just harsh. Every turn, bump, brake, red light, swerve, speed bump, it jolts your incision and just hurts. You end up pumping an invisible brake the whole time, shouting at your husband to slow down while clutching your incision, hoping it doesn't burst open at the next intersection. And getting out of the car? Forget about it. You can't pull yourself out of that metal house of pain.
8. Gas in your....neck?
If you have experienced this, you know how awful it can be. I am over a week postpartum, and still have a bubble in my shoulder somewhere. You can't lay down where it is, lean towards it, and you can't get it out. It has to make its way out. How it does, I have no idea. I'm still waiting.
9. Gas. Just gas.
You get pretty gassy while undergoing surgery, all the air getting sucked up into your wound. It hurts, and getting it out is a chore. I know that every nurse asked me at least five times if I had passed gas yet. And it got to the point where I'd lie, wondering what they were going to do to me if I admitted I hadn't. But once it started, it didn't stop. For days. I felt so happy once it happened, I would say that about eighty percent of my pain was from gas alone.
10. Stitches/Staples/Steristrips.
If you had staples, I am so sorry. I got lucky to where I did not have one with either of my surgeries. I can't imagine getting those taken out. And without numbing or anything, ugh! How do you survive? The staples I have dissolve, so I am just waiting for them to start crumbling and be left on the inside of my underwear waistband. Steristrips are just awful. I just took off the last ones today, I had to peel them off by day ten. I procrastinated, knowing that if I did it too soon, it would hurt terribly. I ended up taking them off in the shower, which by the end, I was in the floor, just barely conscious. I am such a baby.
So there, ten things that suck about C-sections. Maybe next week, I'll blog about all the wonderful things about them. Just kidding.
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